Pretty much since I can remember, I've always been someone who is really career driven. When I was younger, I didn't think too much about whether or not I'd want a family in the future, whether or not I'd want to get married, or where I'd like to live. I was always just focused on one thing - my career.
I'm not entirely sure where this drive came from, but even at school, I was always someone who wanted to give 110% to everything I did. It wasn't until I was at University that this started backfiring on me. In my first year of Uni I went a liiiiittle bit overboard.
Your first year at Uni is already such a huge change. Moving to a new town, surrounding yourself with new people, starting a new course - which in itself comes with a million other little challenges.
But I was really determined to push myself even further. I was studying Fashion Promotion, and it's common knowledge that Fashion probably has to be one of the most competitive industries, so I knew I needed to do as much as possible to set myself apart.
By the final semester of my first year at Uni I was working a part-time weekend job back in Essex - which I was having to commute back home to do - doing an internship in London, writing my own blog and completing my first year of University, whilst also trying to "adult" for the first time and maintain friendships. What happened next is no surprise really!
One day on my commute to London I came over feeling really unwell, I got off the tube and was walking to my office and I just felt like I was going to faint. I popped into Boots, bought a million and one healthy snacks to try and get some energy inside of me, and got into work. I spent the whole day feeling shaky, dizzy and absolutely drained. This was the start of my anxiety.
Unless you've ever experienced anxiety, you might not understand how bad the physical symptoms can be, but if you've ever come close to fainting - that is literally how I would feel every single time I had a panic attack. It was so frightening, as at the time I had absolutely no idea what was going on or why I felt this way!
Fast forward to my final year at Uni, and I'd managed to achieve much more of a balance. I was living at home, had left my part-time job, and just focused on my blog, my degree and gaining some industry experience here and there. I'd become better at juggling my workload.
During my final year of Uni I managed to blag (I say blag, merely because I still have no idea how I ended up there!) a Freelance role working at ASOS. It was an absolute dream come true, I'd wanted to work there for years and I couldn't believe it. The day I went for my interview & trial day felt so surreal, I felt so lucky.
But guess what? It wasn't for me. The commute made me feel exactly how I felt in my first year of Uni - albeit, not quite to the same extent luckily. But every single day I'd come home feeling absolutely drained and exhausted. I'd spend my entire commute on the tube an anxious wreck, and even when I got into the office I felt like I shouldn't be there.
I hadn't even graduated yet - why did I deserve to be there?
It was here that my body was finally trying to tell me that I wasn't suited to a high-flying career in London. But of course, my brain took a little longer to happily accept and admit this. *Insert eye-rolling emoji here.*
How could I just overnight accept that something I'd dreamt of for years - a high powered job in the city - was something that I couldn't do? It felt like such a huge failure to admit that it just wasn't for me.
Since then, a whole 4 years later, I've managed to carve myself, what I'd still consider, a successful career, locally in Essex. I've still managed to work for big brands and big names, but within the confines of my comfort zone. I hate the term 'comfort zone' but it's the best way I can think to describe it.
I still push myself outside my comfort zone from time to time, as that's the best way to learn and grow. But for me, I need an element of 'comfort' to be able to stay happy and - most importantly - sane!
For a long while now, all of this has got me thinking about success and our vision of what success is. To me, to be successful I had to have this high powered job up in London - no matter what else it cost me. But through experiences, I've learned that this isn't the only definition of success that exists. Sure, that is one version of being successful, but there are so many other routes and journeys to success.
Maybe you're about to graduate and are panicking about how quickly you'll be able to become your own version of "successful"? Or maybe you're forcing yourself to stay in a high-flying career or job because you think it's your idea of "success"?
It's so important to remember that success can mean many things, and I don't think any of those meanings should have to involve you compromising your own health and happiness.
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